But let’s get straight into it. The presidential election,
with just two weeks left– it looks like the gloves
are finally coming off. Vice President Joe Biden
campaigning for Hillary Clinton in Wilkes-Barre, and here’s what
he said about Donald Trump. The press always asks me, don’t
I wish I were debating him. No. I wish
we were in high school. I could take him behind the gym. -(cheering)
-That’s what I wish. Oh… (bleep)! (laughter) Joe Biden wants to take
Donald Trump behind the gym. You know what that means, right? No, really.
Do you know what that means? -‘Cause I don’t know…
-(laughter) I don’t know what happened in
your high school, but in mine, the only thing happening behind
the gym was people hooking up. -That’s…
-(laughter) No, everyone knows this.
There are rules. The parking lot is for fights. The bathrooms are
where you get high. The cafeteria is
for ostracizing people. The library is for using
computers to look at porn. And then, behind the gym is
for finger banging. That’s what school knows. -(laughter)
-Everybody knows that. But you do realize, folks, this is the level of discourse
the election has sunk to. The press asks Biden, “Don’t you wish
you could debate Donald Trump? Expose his extremist agenda
using facts and reason?” And the sitting vice president
replies, “No, I just want
to punch him in the face.” (laughter) Luckily,
when responding to Biden, Donald Trump decided
to take the high road. Did you see where Biden wants to
take me to the back of the barn? Me. He wants it. I’d love that. -I’d love that!
-(cheering) Mr. Tough Guy. You know
when he’s Mr. Tough Guy? When he’s standing
behind a microphone by himself. That’s when he’s Mr… He wants to bring me
to the back of the barn. Oh! -Wait. What?
-(laughter) The back…
the back of the barn? -Biden said the back of the gym!
-(laughter) This is why you don’t let
old guys into fight club! (laughter) The first rule of fight club is
remember where fight club is! (laughter, applause) -This doesn’t make sense!
-(cheers and applause) Doesn’t make sense. Now you realize
what’s gonna happen. Now, Biden’s at the gym,
Trump is at the barn. Just gonna be punching some
random person who comes there. “You?” “Me?” “Aah!”
Goes like, “Aah! I just came here for the sex!” “Oh, that’s coming!
That’s coming.” (laughter) And, look, that I know everyone,
including myself is really excited
about the prospect of Joe Biden and Donald Trump
having a physical fight because that would be the
perfect climax to this election. But don’t forget– these guys
are both in their seventies. So it’ll be entertaining, but
it’ll probably look like this. (indistinct yelling) (laughter) (applause) “Hold my teeth!
Hold my teeth! Bah! Bah! Bah, bah, bah!” Now, beyond Trump and Biden setting up their whole
wrinkle in the jumble, what I found particularly
fascinating about this story was how differently
it was presented, depending on
who was consuming it. For instance,
if you’re a liberal, you probably heard it as a story about how Trump wants
to beat up Joe Biden. But if you’re a Trump supporter, you saw it as Donald Trump
standing up to Joe Biden. And that’s really become
the story of this election. Everyone picks sides
and blindly defends them. Here’s another example. Last night on Fox News, Megyn
Kelly talked to Newt Gingrich. Now you guys probably remember
Newt Gingrich. He’s the Trump adviser who stole
all of America’s jowls. Yeah? -(laughter) -Now, Megyn Kelly
wanted to talk to him about Trump’s pussy-grabbing,
and Newt went nuts. -Rough time, at least…
-If Trump is a sexual predator, -that is…
-He’s not a sexual predator. -You can’t say that.
-Okay, that’s your opinion. I’m not taking a position on it. You could not defend
that statement. I am not taking
a position on it. I’m sick and tired
of people like you using language
that’s inflammatory. When you used the words,
you took a position. -So what I said is…
-And I think it’s very unfair of you to do that, Megyn. I think your defensiveness on this may speak volumes, sir. -…and we did.
-And you want to go back through the tapes
of your show recently? You are fascinated with sex, and you don’t care
about public policy. -(laughter and groaning)
-Wow. Newt. Newt! That’s really not fair. Just because
Megyn Kelly invites people who look like
swollen testicles on her show does not mean
she’s obsessed with sex. (laughter) That does not mean that. Oh, and by the way,
by the way, Newt Gingrich
should not be complaining that anyone is fascinated
with sex. This is the same dude who
cheated on two different wives, and when he was asked
about his cheating, honest to God,
he gave the best answer I have ever heard in my life. There’s no question
that at times in my life, partially driven by-by how passionately
I felt about this country, uh, that I worked far too hard, and the things happened in my
life that were not appropriate. (laughter) -I’m sorry. Get the (bleep)
out of here, man! -(laughter) This guy just, “Why did you
cheat on your wife?” “For America. That’s why
I did it.” -(laughter) “I did it for America.
My passion and my… my vigor. “In fact, I only do it
to the National Anthem. “Which is tough, ’cause we have
to do it standing, “and it upsets everyone else
in the stadium. But I do it for my country.” So once again, so once again, here was a fight, and depending
on which side you’re on, you were told the fight
went a very different way. So, a liberal Web site
like Jezebel, says that Gingrich
made a total fool of himself. And a right wing Web site,
like Breitbart, says that Gingrich
exposed Megyn Kelly, and then bench-pressed her. Which isn’t really
a good headline if you’re a Trump supporter. I mean, it-it sounds creepy. It sounds like Newt was like, “Donald Trump is not
a sexual predator. “Now, put your butt in my hands
so I can lift you over my head. “Come on, come on, come…”
(groans) That’s one of the downsides of everyone consuming news
in their bubble. You don’t getthenews,
you getyournews, all right? There are distorted fake news
stories everywhere online. Obama shows his erection
to a reporter. Tim Kaine yells at his daughter. Uh, in fact, did you hear the
story about Bill Clinton? Where he called Trump supporters
rednecks? Yeah. There’s a headline,
so it must be true, unless you hear
what he actually said. You know, look, man… the other guy’s base
is what I grew up in. You know, I’m basically
your standard redneck. Oh, no, he didn’t… just identify with people
he disagrees with to point out what they have
in common. (laughter) There’s nothing there. He called himself a redneck. The only part of that
I object to is Bill Clinton claiming
that he’s a standard redneck. You can’t say that
when you’re riding around in a private jet,
my friend, yes. Unless, unless you ride that jet
while riding your tractor. That’s the only time
you can do that. But at least in that story Bill
Clinton said the word “redneck”. Uh, sometimes, the story
that riles you up can be something
that never even happened. Like, say you go on your
Facebook, just for fun to check out who had a sandwich
that made them feel blessed. But then, but then, because of
things you’ve liked over time, up pops an article in your feed about Bill Clinton’s
illegitimate black son. This is a real article,
a real article that’s circling on Facebook
right now. Banished Bill Clinton’s son needs your help
to reunite with father. And here’s how I know
this story isn’t true. If the Clintons had a black son, -they would not be hiding him.
-(laughter) Best believe they’d be parading
that (bleep) around North Carolina
getting out the vote. -They’d be like, this is our
dude! -(cheering, applause) Tell them, Darnell,
tell them to vote. (applause) That story is BS, people,
I’m sorry. You can’t– you can take any
biracial person, throw their black and white
photo next to Clinton, and it’ll look like his son. I mean, by-by that standard,
I look like his son. -Ah, look, look.
-(laughter) I look, I look like… -Oh, (bleep).
-(laughter) I look like his son. Wow, I… What if Bill Clinton’s my dad? And I had him on the show
and I never even asked him. I mean, I… I hinted at it
with the mug I gave him, -but, but still…
-(laughter) Now, uh, although this is
a phenomenon that seems to happen
more on the right, uh, it still happens
on the left. You find the occasional fake
story about Republicans, which is weird to me. I honestly don’t know
why you need to make up anything fake
with Donald Trump. There’s no fake story you need. Is someone sitting there, like, “Ha, ha. And then he looked
at her pussy. “Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha… “I’m sorry, what?
In real life? Oh. Delete.” For instance,
if you’re a liberal, you might have seen
a headline that says, “Linguists have decided “Donald Trump has
a learning disability, because he possesses a
vocabulary of 200 words.” And come on, people, 200 words?
That’s not realistic. That barely covers the names
of his ex-wives. That’s not a realistic thing. And if there’s one thing you
can’t insult The Donald on, it’s his language skills. You just have to watch any
of his speeches to see he effortlessly jumps
from one idea to another. Words have never impeded
his mind, because his mouth is always trying to keep up
with his brain. We’re about to go– we lose it. We are in the wrong direction
and maybe it’s gone. Supreme Court justices,
always remember that. But so many different levels, and when you see what happened
with crooked Hillary today, it was a disaster. Wh-wh-what, what? Who? Wh… ? Amazing. It’s like he’s doing
language parkour. He’s just bouncing
from one word to… oh! -That– oh, that’s…
-(laughter) That’s pretty much what happens. It’s so impressive. Wherever Trump’s brain goes, his mouth goes along
for the ride. In fact, I’ve studied Trump
for over a year, and what he does
is truly amazing. And I’m not a master at this, but I’ll try to do
a demonstration myself. I’ll try and do this,
I’ll try and do this. All right. A series of words will come up
on a screen behind me. And I don’t know what
these words are gonna be. But I will use them
to give you a Trump address. Hold on, hold on.
Let me just… Let me just get myself ready. (laughter) Get comfortable and in the zone. (cheering, applause) All right, let’s go. Folks, I’m gonna make America
so great, folks. You don’t understand.
This nation, folks, this nation, folks, is bad,
it’s bad, folks. The nation is bad. There is bias in the media,
folks. The media is biased against us. And-and ISIS–
oh, my God, ISIS, folks– I’m gonna beat them so…
Folks, I’m not gonna tell them what I’m gonna do, folks.
ISIS… It’s gonna be a surprise, folks.
I’m gonna be… They’re gonna die bigly, folks. They’re gonna die bigly. Bigly, folks.
They’re gonna die. And then the dragons… Folks, the ISIS… They have dragons.
I’ve heard that ISIS has dragons that use moisturizer, folks. The moisturizer
that the dragons use and phot… I’m not good enough
for this, man. I’m not… I’m not
good enough to do this. -(cheering, applause)
-But you get the point. You get the point.
You get the point. The point is this:
there are fake stories everywhere online,
and the effect can be dangerous. Especially considering
that millions of Americans believe that the upcoming
election will be rigged.